TYPICAL BEER PALOR FOR YANKEE

If you be kind of guy wey like to go drink beer palor and you dey for dis country, you go notice de big difference between naija beer palor and beer palor for yankee. De first big difference na say for hia, dia beer palor dey sell almost any type of alcohol wey you fit think of, from beer to wine to all kinds of kai kai.

And dem dey sell dia beer from special tap. Dem go serve you de beer for draft (dis na regular glass cup) or pitcher (dis na big glass jug wey you fit share if una dey for group). But dem still dey sell beer for bottle.

And den oda differences, na say dem must close around certain time. No mata how many people still wan drink you must close. In fact ee get de way dem go don program dem cash register, de tin go stop to work when closing time reach. And so when dat time don dey reach, like 30 mins to de time, de bar tender go begin shout 'last call'. Dat one mean say if you still wan buy drinks, make you hurry buy before dem close.

SPECIAL EDUCATION (special ed.)

Ok..., for una wey get pikin for dis country, make una shine una eye read dis post well well! And for de rest of una, make una learn sometin new from dis post. Dis post na about one group of students for primary and sekondari skools. Dem dey call dis ones special education students (or special eds).

Dis students really dey special. Dem get dem own program for any skool wey dem dey. Dia own teachers dey different. And most skools get dem own special class. And when dem wan write wetin dey like WAEC for hia, dem own quesions dey different.

I remember one of my first work for yankee, I been teach small for one sekondari skool for my area. I notice say ee get dis students wey de skool tell me to give special attention. If I give classwork, I need to give dem less quesions and extra time to finish. I get to read de quesions to dem sometimes. And if dem special condition dey very serious, den dem get specialist wey go teach dem.

MY CASINO EXPERIENCE FOR LAFAYETTE, LOUISIANA

Last weekend I been go one casino wey dey near my town. Dem dey call am THE BOAT, wey dey for Lafayette for Louisiana. No be my first time to go dia. But ee don tey small since I been go. Casino na place wey I feel say I dey go troway my money..., lol. I neva go dia before den win money. Me and gambling no be friend at all. I feel say why people no dey too win for casino na because for dia beer na free oo! I dey tell you. Drink as you like and spend excess. Lol!

Anyway sha, dis time when I go, I been win small money. But na afta I don play for long time. Me I no dey go near dos black-jack tables. Na for de big fish dem. Na de slot machines I dey anchor, plenti types dey to play with small money. And whenever I go casino, I dey stay till de next day, den begin come back house around 4 o'clock for morning. 

TONARDO NEARLY CARRY ME GO

When pessin dey see as nature dey scatter some places with hurricane, tornado or tsunami, you no go tink say de tin fit reach ya side. I dey always imagine wetin ee be like to experience any of dis tins. But yet, I go dey pray make ee no ever happen for where I dey.

All dat one change for me last week sunday! Ee get dis tornado wey reach awa side. De kind fia wey catch my body dat night no be small. Na so my body dey shake like leaf. Sleep fly comot for my eye. Na so I dey look for window, den watch tv to hear weather update and den comot outside to see wetin dey happen.

SEE AS AIRPORT DEY EVERYWHERE

Now wey all man don dey buy private jet for naija, I feel say now na de time for us to build at least one airport for the thirty six states wey we get. So dat all dis people wey we no know how dem make dis dem money fit dey land for any state wey dem dey go. But seriously, I also feel say dis one go make ordinary people waka around naija to dey more easy and fast. People no go too dey rely for moto to travel around.

Just like for yankee, every state get at least two or three international airport. You fit dey for ya state and fly out to any part of de world wey you wan go. And den dem get uncountable small small airports wey dey helep serve local travel. Towns we get population like fifty or sisty thousand get dem own airport. And de tin dey work well. If you wan travel go any big city, wetin you need na to join connecting flight from de airport for de small towns.

DUMPSTER

De way wey govment for hia dey keep de towns clean, go make pessin appreciate say govment dey really do dem work. For every town, no mata how small wey dat town be, dem get sanitation department wey dey make sure say dutty no dey pile up for any area for de town. Dem work na to go round to collect dutty from every house and office and den go troway am for one central dump ground.

For de apartment wey  dey live, we get dis big dustbin wey dem dey call dumpster. And den every thursday, de sanitation office for the county wey I dey live, go use dia lorry to come offload de dumpster. Every single thursday, dem must come. No delay or any excuse. And na so dem go go from house to house to go collect people dutty.

If you dey live for wetin dem dey call house for hia, dem go give you special govment dustbin for you to put all ya dutty. And when dem come with dia lorry, you must put ya dustbin for near de road for dem to see. And you no need to worry, beacause say dem must come to offload ya dustbin every week.

MAKE WE CHEW TOBACCO

For naija, people dey smoke tobacco or put am for dem nose. Dat na wetin I see and na de only two ways wey I know say you fit put tobacco for ya body. But when I come yankee, I come discover say ee get anoda way wey you fit put tobacco for ya body. You fit put am for ya mouth and come begin suck am like sweet.

When I discover dis one, ee really shock me. And de way wey I take find out really turn my belle. I dey for library one day, and I notice say one guy wey sidon opposite me been dey pour spit inside pure wata bottle. I also come notice as him mouth swell up for one side. Na dia wey him put de tobacco. De guy no even try to hide de bottle wey don by dis time almost reach half with him brown spit.

Any time I raise my head and my eye jam de bottle, ee just dey like say I wan vomit. Na so de tin go dey draw like okro. Den I later come ask my study partner wetin dat guy dey spit inside dat bottle. Him come begin explain to me say na tobacco wey de guy dey spit inside de bottle.

De tobacco dey dey for one iron container wey resemble shoe polish container. You go put de tobacco for de corner of ya mouth or under ya teeth. Den you go come begin suck am small small. Some dey swallow de tobacco or spit am out. If you finish to suck out de juice from de tobacco for ya mouth, you go spit am and den put de next one for de same place or for anoda corner of ya mouth.

Dis kind way to use tobacco dey very popular with onyibo people wey dem dey call country folks or rednecks. Na mostly de men dem wey dey suck tobacco, but some women dey use am too. You go sabi pessin wey dey suck tobacco from de way wey him go dey spit constantly. And de spit dey always dey green or dark brown. And if you look dem teeth, na so ee dey get multicolor.

If you go any gas station, you go see de tobacco for containers wey dey exactly like de original snuff container. I been no know say na wetin ee be until I see as dat guy for library bring out de container from him pocket.

And I hia say to use tobacco like dat be one of de main cause of mouth cancer and throat cancer. And I sure say de taste go dey very bad. But as dem dey talk am, everybody get im own poison wey im like. And I sure say I don tell una my own poison before. Well if you no know or you don forget, my own na beer.

NIGERIAN NEWS, NIGERIAN NEWSPAPER, OSHIOMHOLE,  OBASANJO, BUHARI, AMAECHI, TINUBU, GEJ, KESHI, SUPER EAGLES, CHELSEA, WIZKID, DAVIDO, WIZKID, DAVIDO, LINDA IKEJI, DON JAZZY,

JAY Z, OBAMA, JUSTIN BIEBER, DRAKE, CHRIS BROWN

HILLBILLIES and REDNECKS

If you tink say for yankee, dem no get dem own village people, den you need to tink am again. For hia, dem get two special group of people wey dem dey call hillbillies and rednecks. Dis na de onyibo village people for yankee. Most people dey see dem like dos wey no get too much sense or as people wey no allow modern life to come dem community.

Hillbillies dey live for eastern part of yankee, from around Mississippi to New York. Dem dey call dis area Appalachia. De area get plenty mountains and dis na how dem get de attachement 'hill'  for dem name hillbilly. Hillbillies dey mostly live on top or around dis mountains.

Dem dey depend on de area for everytin. Dem dey hunt, fish and use de wood around de area to build house. Dem no wan get anytin to do with modern life. And dia community na for only dem dem. No outsider dey welcome to come stay for de area. And so de popular suspicion na say dem dey marry dem own blood.

PIN MONEY FOR YA DRESS

I remember one day wey I see one of my fellow worker pin money for her dress. I come ask her why she do am, den she tell me say na her baiday. "Ok, na ya baiday, but why you come pin money for ya dress?" Den she come tell me say na money wey people give her for office wey she pin for her dress.

I don notice say for work place, if na ya baiday people go give you money so dat you go pin am for ya dress. Dis one go make any oda pessin wey see am to know say na ya baiday and dem go donate for you too. I don see as some people go pin money until ee go reach dia knee.

De main reason for dis pining money tin na for dos wey no get time to buy gift or card for you to still do sometin to show say dem dey wish you happy baiday. One of my female coworker ask me to donate money for her baiday one time like dat. And for you to donate, you get to pin de money by ya sef.

You need to see me as I dey struggle with de pin and also dey try to make sure say I no "inappropriately" touch her blom-blom. I no lie you, de tin big sha and my eye take style dey look anoda tin as I dey pin my $5 for her dress. For hia sexual harassment na very easy tin for pessin to put for ya head. So most guys wey no get liver go just give de woman de money to pin by her sef. But as most tins for hia get double standard, de women no dey feel any shame when dem dey pin de money for men shirt (aftarall no be wetin we like?).


NIGERIAN NEWS, NIGERIAN NEWSPAPER, OSHIOMHOLE,  OBASANJO, BUHARI, AMAECHI, TINUBU, GEJ, KESHI, SUPER EAGLES, CHELSEA, WIZKID, DAVIDO, LINDA IKEJI, DON JAZZY,
JAY Z, OBAMA, JUSTIN BIEBER, DRAKE, CHRIS BROWN

YANKEE AND NUMBERS

If you don stay for dis yankee for some time, you go sabi say plenty part of dem life connect well well with numbers. Dem go describe most tins like pessin weight or how long ya travel go be or wetin weather be outside with numbers.

For hia, pessin weight na very serious mata, especially for women dem. Na so everybody dey check dem weight, so dat dem fit know weda dem don gain or lose weight. And dem dey measure am for pounds (we ma dey use kilograms). When some women just gain sometin like 5 pounds, ee go be like say world don end for dem. Na so dem go dey try everytin to lose de weight. And de sharp business men don sabi dis one. Na so dem go dey full TV with different advert of how to lose weight.

ADOPTION- how to turn anoda pessin pikin to ya own

I wan make you imagine de kind tins wey been dey go on for my mind when one of my co-workers introduce him pikin to me. My co-worker na white woman, and her pikin na black boy. Initially I been tink say I no hia detin wey she tell me. I been tink say my ear dey deceive me. Ee take me some time to process wetin just happen. Why de tin surprise well well, I no really know!!

Well, may be na sake of say dat time, I still dey new to yankee and I neva too dey familiar with dem culture of adoption. Na later I come find out say de tin dey very common for hia. Some couples fit decide to no born pikin of dem own, and dem go go adopt. Now color no dey too mata when people dey adopt.

Plenty times I don meet family where plus de ones wey dem born, dem go adopt one or two more pikin. And dem go talk about am like say na normal tin. Sometimes when husband and wife don train de pikin wey dem born, and de house don empty, dem go adopt oda small pikin. I remember my professor wey supervise my project..., him show me photo of him pikin dem. Only three out of de eight pikin wey him show me be de ones wey him and him wife born!

BASEMENT

Ee neva too tey wey tornado visit two small towns for Illinois state- Rochelle and Fairdale. No be small tin oo! De tin level the place. All de houses for de two towns disappear, and na so property scatter everywhere. For hia, dem dey like build house with wood and plastic sheets, and when any of de big breeze come, na so ee go knack dia house fall like paper.

But de good tin be say na only one pessin die and some wey get wound for dis tornado. Normally dis kind tornado dey kill plenty people. De tin wey dey save some na say dem house get hole for ground wey dem dey call basement. Once dat strong wind don begin come, na so all man go rush go under ground to go hide. If you no get basement ,you go enter ya bathtub and cover ya sef well well.

PRENUP

"For better or for worse, till death do us part.....,". No oo...., pastor you go slow down with dat ya talk oo! For yankee na for beta for best! Nobody get time for worse oo! If ya money finish, na bye bye until forever! So na im make most men wey don make plenty money no wan take chances with dis gold diggers wey dey everywhere. Dem go make you sign paper wey go stop you to collect half of dem property.

You see for hia,divorce na normal tin oo! You wake up and no like to see ya wife or husband face, you go just divorce am. People no get patience at all when ee come to settle marriage mata. Some go even make excuse just to make sure say dem end de marriage.

MAKE WE HAIL DE ALMIGHTY C.P.S!!!

If you get pikin for dis country, de number one pipo wey you suppose fia well well na CPS. CPS full name na Child Protective Services. Dis na de guys wey go come collect ya pikin for ya hand if dem feel say you no dey take proper care of dem as govment want. I say eh..., dos pipo don rearrange plenty families like as pessin dey shuffle whot. Once dem land ya house, dem no get time to yan with you, dem go use police carry ya pikin comot. And if dem feel say ya case serious, dem go arrest you join.

I don see pipo especially single mama dem wey don lose dem pikin for some kind simple tins like dem pikin dey play den come get wound. CPS go say na "child endangerment". Parents dey fia to correct dem pikin because dem no wan enter any wahala with dos pipo. If you flog ya pikin, give am mark and ya pikin teacher see am for skool, you don buy mrket be dat. And most children understand dis one and dem dey use am threaten dem papa and mama. If you wan correct ya pikin, den dem go remind you of CPS.

CAR MORTGAGE

One of my guys lose him moto today. De company wey him buy de car from come tow de car from him house. Dem talk say him neva pay him car note for dis months wey just pass. Car note na small small payments wey him supposed to dey pay every month until him finish to pay for de moto. And na moto wey him don dey pay for since one year now. Just because say him miss to pay for one month, dem come collect de car! Dis one no good at all na.

Na im make me I no like anytin wey pessin fit buy as mortgage. For ya mind you go tink say na ya property, and you go dey denge dey pose with am. But you don forget say na borrow pose wey you carry so. When you no come pay ya monthly dues, na dat time you go sabi say na rent wey you rent dat tin.

YOU GO SLEEP FOR COUCH DIS NIGHT!!

For some of my old post, I don talk as how de babes for hia dey behave different from naija babes. No be small tin for hia oo! For hia de babes open eye well well, and like I don talk before, de laws hia dey side with dem too much. Dis one don give dem too much freedom to do anyhow when dem like.

My friend tell me wetin happen to am recently wey make me laff well well. Him and him girlfriend been get small quarrel and den de babe tell am to go sleep for couch wey dey for palour. When I hia dis one, laff no gree me breath at all.

LIBRARY FOR EVERY TOWN

Na just recent wey I notice say library na very important tin wey you go see for every town. No mata how small de town be for yankee, you go see police station, post office and city hall and den library. I been dey dis small town wey dem dey call Troup for Texas. Dis na town wey de population no reach one thousand people.

So I decide to enter de library to see wetin dey happen inside. Ee get books as usual, and den I see computer with internet wey get very fast speed. Dis na place wey dey like any village for naija. De whole inside full with books. Everytin dey well arranged and in order.

DIS ONE NA MY EXPERIENCE FOR NIGERIAN EMBASSY OFFICE WEY DEY FOR ATLANTA AS I GO TO COLLECT MY E-PASSPORT!

Last friday I travel go Atlanta to go renew my passport. I go change my passport to de one wey dem dey call e-passport. I don postpone dis trip too may times until I come decide to do am before March finish. And I go tell you say de waka to get my new passport no be small waka.

I start online to find out wetin and wetin I need to carry go de embassy office. My online waka come turn to full time research abi na project. I see plenty sites wey tell me different tins wey I need to carry go de embassy office. From birth certificate, local government identification letter to gurrantor letter wey I go declare all my property.

NA WA OO! SO JESUS NA BLACK MAN?

All my life for naija, na onyibo man wey I know as Jesus Christ. From de photo wey dey hang for awa church to calendar wey you fit buy for market, na onyibo with long hair wey I dey see. Even sef de "jesus film" wey we dey watch for christmas and easter get onyibo Jesus.

Na when I come yankee I come hia for de first time say him fit be black man. Yes oo..., de tin take style surprise me. Na by accident wey I hia dis one. Me and one akata guy been dey talk, him dey ask me about Africa, and him come dey tell me about dem own experience.

DIS KIND OF PUPSI and MUMSI DEM SEF

Sometimes I like to go watch basketball for sekondari skools around my area. Na one of de ways I dey use pass time for hia. When pessin no get anytin to do for friday, I go just go chill for one of dis games. Sports hia na big past time. Every skool get at least one type of sports wey dem dey play.

And home games dey big like mini carnival for dos wey dey live around de skool. Na do everywhere go dey bubble. Dos wey don gradge for de skool go come watch de game. Some people dey travel from long distance just to come watch dem former skool basketball or football games. And crowd dey plenti pass for de football games.